A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shiat up to their necks. The guy says “No, let me see the next room.” In the second room, people are standing with shiat up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shiat up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, “O.K., coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”
There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.
The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, “You can’t stay here you have to come with us.”
The old man replied, “No, God will save me.” So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.
The old man again replied, “God will save me.” So the boat left him again.
An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.
Again the old man refused to leave stating that, “God will save him.” So the boat left him again.
Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “You dummy! I tried. I sent three boats after you!!”
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in sewage up to their necks. The guy says “no, let me see the next room.”
In the second room, people are standing with sewage up to their noses. Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with sewage up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.”
Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, “O.K., coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”
“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they didn’t smell and are silent”. The doctor says “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady goes back, “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts… although still silent they stink terribly.” “Good”, the doctor said, now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, “Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon.”
The captain tells the man,” Get my red coat and prepare for battle!”
The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat.
The captain tells the assistant “If I was shot you would not be able to tell I’m bleeding and you would keep fighting.”
The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, “Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!”
The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him “Get me my brown pants!”
An 85 yr old man speaking with his doctor after an examination. Dr says “You’re the most virile man I’ve ever examined.” “My father has me beat,” he replies. “Your father?” “Yes, he’s 105 yrs old and just married a 21 yr old girl.” Doc asks, “Why would a 105 yr old man want to marry a 21 yr old girl?” …Old man replies, “What makes you think he ‘wanted’ to?!”
An 80-year-old millionaire becomes engaged to a beautiful 22-year-old model. He goes to his doctor for a check-up a couple of weeks before the wedding date. The doctor looks him over and says,
“You seem completely healthy but I must tell you one thing.”
“What’s that?”, the old man asks.
“At your age, sex can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take care as it could be really deadly” the doctor replies.
The 80-year-old millionaire thinks for a minute and then says, “What the hell, if she dies, she dies.”